I don’t understand how anyone can think that children owe something to their parents. I had my child for my own selfish reasons. We were settling down in our marriage, happy and comfortable but no longer buzzed. The house was too quiet, and we wanted laughter and joy and a bit of commotion. I was on my way to getting my degree, and I thought it was time. I was approaching a fertility dropoff, and I didn’t want to miss my chance and be left wondering about the what-ifs.

I brought a helpless tiny being into this terrifying world because I wanted it. He had no say in the matter. He brings me joy every day just by existing, and yeah, for being a happy healthy goofy kid that bubbles over with laughter and odd and wonderful mannerisms. My life has been made immeasurably better because of him, even if it’s hard sometimes. I made the choice that he was worth the sacrifices, from laboring for three days before an emergency C-section to the nightly feedings to the daily care he requires. I am grateful every day that he came to me.

So how can my child owe anything to me? I had him because I wanted him, not because he wanted to be or was even capable of wanting to be born. He has given me so much more than I have given him or could ever give him, since everything I do is just my basic obligation even if I do it with joy.

He doesn’t owe me. I owe him.

I know that it doesn’t work out for everyone. My heart goes out to people who were not ready to be parents or never wanted to be, who were pressured, who had no choice. It’s why I am pro-choice, pro-contraception and pro-sex ed, why I staunchly support child-free people. My dream would be a nightmare for people who did not want it, or got too much more than they bargained for.

That doesn’t mean a child who had no choice in the matter owes their parents anything. At worst the child was a victim trapped in a bad situation along with the parent or parents. It was not their fault.

If you are told you owe this or that to your parents, please don’t believe it. Your parents made the choice to have you, or, if they unfortunately did not, you did not cause their unhappiness. You owe it to yourself to be as healthy and whole as you can be, to have integrity, to get what joy you can in the world. If that requires going against your parents’ wishes or cutting them out of your life, so be it. It’s your life to live, and your life is not a debt to be repaid.