(The repetitive, lazy writing is intentional. I’m also really playing up the more ridiculous aspects of the movie. Warning: compared to The Last Jedi, at least, this fic might actually make sense.)

Star Wars: Episode II: The Last Jedi Strikes Back

The EMPIRE reigns. Having discovered the location of the Rebellion, Emperor Palpatine now deploys merciless legions to restore military control of the galaxy.

Luke Skywalker has gone in search of Jedi Master Yoda, certain that he can restore a spark of hope to the fight.

But the Rebellion is in grave danger. As the Empire speeds toward the rebel base, the brave heroes mount a desperate escape….

Chapter I: The Evacuation

  The Avenger loomed over the jungle moon, its shadow casting doom on the rebel base. Below, General Rieekan shouted orders, loading transports with evacuees. Above the planet, the Home One waited for the evacuation to complete so the fleet could escape into hyperspace.

  Suddenly Rieekan looked up as something massive emerged from hyperspace. It was a Star Destroyer, black and bigger than any Star Destroyer the general had ever seen. It was the dreadnought Eclipse, and it had come to wipe the rebel base from off the face of Yavin IV.

  From the Avenger’s bridge, Captain Needa turned and smirked to his commanding officer. “Our first catch of the day.”

  “I have my orders from the Emperor himself,” said Admiral Piett with sober triumph. “Wipe them out. All of them.”

  As the hearts of the rebels filled with dread, a ship approached the Star Destroyer Avenger.

  From the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, C-3PO murmured, “I have a bad feeling about this.”

  Chewbacca growled at him, an admonition to be upbeat and think happy thoughts.

  “With all due respect, Chewbacca,” came the voice of Ackbar, the fleet admiral, “I’m with the droid on this one.”

  “Well, thanks for the support, admiral,” Han snarked from the gunner’s position. “Chewie, open communications.”

  Chewie flicked a switch and a signal was transmitted to the Star Destroyer Avenger.

  “This is Han Solo of the Millennium Falcon,” said Han loud and clear over the channel. “I have an urgent communique for Admiral Pete.”

  “Patch him through,” Piett ordered, walking the length of the bridge. “This is Piett. Your rebellion is at an end. You are all scum and war criminals. There will be no terms, no surrender. We will eliminate your filth from the galaxy.”

  Han drummed his fingers on the trigger. “Hello?”

  “Yes?” asked Piett.

  “I’m holding for Admiral Pete.”

  “This is Piett,” the admiral snapped.

  “Is Admiral Pete there?” Han demanded. “Can someone please get me an Admiral Pete?”

  “I am Admiral Piett,” Piett snapped. “Can you hear me?”

  “Piett? With a P?” asked Han. “Bony fella. Big Adam’s apple.”

  “That is me,” Piett snapped. “I am Admiral Piett.”

  “Look, is anyone even there? Why won’t you answer me?” Han snapped.

  “This is Piett of the Imperial Navy,” Piett snapped. “I can hear you. Can you hear me?”

  “Do I have the right number?” asked Han.

  “We read you,” said Piett. “This is Piett.”

  “Look, if I can’t get an Admiral Pete, can I talk to Ensign Ferder?” asked Han. “First name Nerv, is he on?”

  “Is there a Nerv Ferder on this ship?” asked Piett loudly to the bridge.

  “No, sir,” replied the crew with a straight face.

  “There are no Nerv Ferders on this ship,” said Piett to Han.

  “Well, that’s obviously wrong,” Han smirked.

  Needa furrowed his brow. “I believe he’s tooling with you, sir.”

  “Look, I can’t hold forever,” Han snapped. “If you see Piett, tell him I’ve got an urgent message from Admiral Ackbar. About his mother.”

  Piett blinked. “What is it?”

  “Oh brother. Boring conversation anyway,” Han muttered as he hung up. “Punch it, Chewie!”

  Chewie roared and put the Falcon’s new booster to the test, sending Threepio flying into the wall with a wail and a clatter.

  The Avenger opened fire, but the Falcon zoomed straight past it, heading straight toward the dreadnought.

  “He’s insane,” Piett muttered. He dialed up General Veers on hologram. “Why aren’t you blasting that puny freighter?”

  “That freighter is at too close range for our weapons,” Veers replied. “We’ll have to fight them ship to ship.”

  “Then unleash our fighters at once,” said Piett, hanging up.

  “Ten minutes too late,” Veers muttered. “Launch fighters!”

  “That single freighter can’t penetrate our armor,” Ozzell scoffed.

  “They’re not penetrating our armor,” Veers snapped. “They’re taking out our surface cannons.”

  “Sir,” said Ensign Canady, “ventral cannons are fully primed.”

  “Excellent,” said Veers. “Blast the rebel base to rubble.”

  The cannons charged and reduced the base to a crater.

  Meanwhile, the Falcon dodged and weaved as Han took out cannons effortlessly. Chewie roared triumphantly.

  “I know, one left,” said Han. “Looks like we’ve got company.”

  A swarm of TIEs zoomed after the Falcon. A blast hit the Falcon, causing a panel to blow.

  “Threepio, get down there and patch that up!” Han bellowed.

  “I’m going, I’m going!” Threepio called, barely able to stand with all the Falcon’s spinning maneuvers. Sparks were flying from a console in the wall.

  Threepio stuck his finger in it and yelped as he was zapped. The sparks stopped, only to explode in two other places. Threepio stuck his fingers in the breaches, yelping each time he was zapped. Soon eight of Threepio’s fingers were in awkward and physically impossible positions.

  Chewie roared from the cockpit, asking if the droid had gotten the problem under control.

  “I’m running out of fingers!” Threepio cried. He stuck his last two fingers into the sparking mess. Then he shut his eyes and rammed headfirst into the console with a wail. The sparks stopped flying.

  Threepio opened his eyes. “I can’t believe that worked,” he said amazedly.

  Han blasted the last cannon and whooped.

  “Yeehaw!” cried Chewbacca.

  “Excellent work, Captain Solo,” said Ackbar. “The fleet is ready to make the jump to lightspeed. Return to the main cruiser at once.”

  “With pleasure, your Admiralbleness,” said Han.

  Chewie roared and turned the ship back toward the Eclipse.

  “What are you, suicidal?” Han demanded. “He said return to the cruiser!”

  Chewie roared in retort.

  “What do you mean we won’t get far?” Han demanded. “I’ll tell you what, we won’t get very far if we don’t jump to lightspeed right now instead of playing hero!”

  “Oh, Chewbacca, please do listen to Captain Solo!” Threepio cried. “This is madness!”

  “Chewbacca!” Ackbar thundered. “Return at once!”

  Chewie shut off Ackbar’s channel and ordered Gold Squadron to strafe the dreadnought.

  “I’m the captain!” shouted Han. “I give the orders around here! You turn this ship around right now, you big hairy idiot, or you’re grounded for a month!”

  Chewie roared and pelted the surface of the Eclipse with blaster fire.

  The Y-wings began their bombing runs, dropping proton bombs on the dreadnought’s surface. They weren’t making much of a dent, and the TIEs were picking them off fast. The rebel ships began to be caught in one another’s explosions.

  From the cockpit of her fighter, Holdo growled in frustration. Her release mechanism was jammed. She reached for the manual remote in the ceiling compartment, but it fell between her feet. Frantically, she attempted to scoop it up with one of her booted feet.

  Seeing the other bombers weren’t doing any damage, Holdo realized what she had to do. She shot straight toward the bridge.

  “Blast that fighter!” Veers ordered, but it was too late. The Y-Wing was careening straight toward the bridge.

  Holdo closed her eyes and stomped on the detonation button.

  “Well, f–” said Veers as a sudden explosion engulfed the bridge. A chain of explosions blossomed along the dreadnought, destroying it completely.

  Chewie roared in triumph and made the jump to lightspeed.

  Piett stood at the bridge of the Avenger, letting none of his fear show on his face.

  Needa approached him. “Emperor Palpatine is requesting contact.”

  “Excellent,” said Piett. “I’ll take the call in my chambers.”

  The Emperor’s hooded head suddenly filled the bridge in blue hologram. “Admiral Piett,” growled the raspy old man.

  “My lord, I report that–” Piett’s face smacked into the floor with a crunch as the Emperor used the Force to drag him across the bridge.

  “My disappointment in your performance cannot be understated,” snarled Palpatine.

  “My lord, they cannot get away,” said Piett, standing up only to slip on the puddle of blood from his nose. “We have them tied to the end of a string.”

  The Emperor mused on this. “See me in my chambers at once.”

  Chewie and Han stood before Admiral Ackbar.

  Ackbar slapped his great fishy flipper across Han’s face. “You’re demoted,” he barked.

  “Hey, now hold on just a second!” Han replied indignantly. “Chewie was the one going kamikaze, not me!”

  Chewie roared. Ackbar slapped him. “You’re demoted!” he barked.

  Chewie roared.

  “For disobeying direct orders!” Ackbar barked.

  “That’s not fair!” C-3PO protested.

  “You wasted valuable lives on a suicide run–” Ackbar growled.

  “We took down a dreadnought!” cried Han.

  “Enough!” Ackbar shouted. “Lieutenant Solo, your Wookiee is on probation until further notice!” He stormed from the room.

  “That’s it, I’m getting out of here,” Han muttered. “Come on, Chewie. We’re leaving this dump before we get into even more trouble.”

  Chewie growled and shook his head.

  “Come on!” Han snapped.

  Chewie shook his head again and roared angrily.

  “Fine!” Han snapped. “See you around, pal. I’m going to find Luke.”

  Han stormed off to the hangar, muttering all the way.