it is honestly keeping me up thinking about how many asian bodies are treated with so much brutality in death so I really do not have time for Baze and Chirrut being stuck next to typical white male narratives.
Just in sci fi alone off the top of my head: Wen triplets in Pac Rim – killed by Kaiju. Toshiko Sato in Torchwood – shot in the gut. Glenn Rhys in TWD – baseball club to the head. Maggie Chen in OB – backstory fodder. Vincent in AOS – I can’t actually remember but burnt to death, I think. Skye’s mother, cut to threads.
And so on and so forth. Their deaths are for shock value and they get mourned but after that there’s not more to it. Not counting: all the cannon fodder and Yellow Peril movies and Oren Ishii and Beverly Katz and Daredevil and Iron FIst and all the others from media that I don’t watch or gave up long ago.
And they could be well-developed characters in otherwise decent media but their death is always so fucking brutal. So of course we build immunity to that pain, of course we’re less sensitive to seeing the same bodies on the news – it grates you down, after a while. It is so so tiring.
And on top of that I’ve never seen two Asian men openly show affection and bicker and tease eachother and make jokes with history behind them except for in LGBT movies (and I guess recently Star Trek). because it’s a cultural taboo to be too emotional or too affectionate or too afflicted in front of non-familiars and that has turned us into Inscrutable Orientals.
So if I have to have a death scene – give me one that is fucking tender, dammit. Give me one that has meaning and emotion behind it, that does justice to the historical emotional baggage between the two characters. Give me the fact that Baze and Chirrut – their relationship, the narrative space they took up, their history – was something that fucking mattered instead of just another body because compared to all others, this death scene was by far least uncomfortable to watch.
I just read this super sad post about this girl who’s asexual and married and everyone is basically telling her that she doesn’t deserve her husband/she’s just a prude/she should just do it anyway.
So I want to tell you all right now that if people tell you this, or if they tell you you’ll never have a relationship, it is BULLSHIT.
My husband is asexual and I’m not. He’s sex repulsed, we don’t have sex, we never have.
And it doesn’t matter to me. You know what does? He does. His mental health and wellbeing matter to me. Because he is my best friend and he’s one of the smartest, kindest, funniest people I’ve ever met. And he’s had people tel him that he’s broken and it makes me SO ANGRY because they are WRONG.
Being different doesnt mean you’re broken.
If you don’t like sex/don’t want it/etc. Do not let anyone tell you that you’re inferior because you’re not.
Do not let anyone convice you that you’ll never have a relationship because they’re wrong(if you want one).
You are not broken, and it will be okay.
This made me feel really good. Remember this, for all my ace spectrum friends out there
I hope you don’t mind me reblogging your tags but these are my feelings EXACTLY
I’m always a little nervous that I’m not “good enough” for a “real relationship” because sex isn’t on the table. So yeah, these stories are reassuring
The amount of pressure from society to have sex is incredible. We’re told it’s linked to relationship health and if you’re not willing to do every damn thing you’re labeled a prude. It’s incredibly disheartening, especially considering how one’s libido can change over the years even if you’re not ace. Nice to see a supportive piece from a partner.
OK, kids, buckle up it’s story time.
When I got married, I hadn’t had sex yet. Waiting until marriage was important to me, so that’s what I did. My wedding night was the first time I had sex.
It sucked.
I figured, ok, this is new for both of us, it’s probably going to take some practice.
A year later? It still sucked We tried a lot of different stuff. A lot of different stuff.
It sucked so bad, we even bought a copy of “Sex for Dummies”.
(it didn’t help)
I started working late so I didn’t go to bed at the same time as my husband. Every time he would travel for work, I’d be grateful that I didn’t have to go through the awkwardness of avoiding his advances when I went to bed.
He didn’t think it was healthy for a newlywed couple to have sex less than once a week. So we scheduled it. Repeat, scheduled intimacy. I thought I was putting on a brave face and doing what I needed to do to maintain a good relationship.
Because I had no idea that asexuality was a thing.
I talked to my husband, told him I didn’t like sex. He didn’t understand. I lost track of how many times I said: “It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with you. I don’t want to have sex with anyone.”
So it was established, Amber doesn’t like sex.
But we still did it. Because I wanted my husband to be happy. Sometimes halfway through, I’d start crying.
And he’d always be supportive, and apologize.
After he finished.
So when I found out about asexuality, and told him how I felt, he suggested I go to a doctor. Because obviously there was something wrong with me.
So I went to a doctor.
(surprise, surprise, I’m perfectly healthy)
Then I told my mom. When she suggested meds to improve my sex drive, I broke down in tears. I told her there was nothing wrong with me. And my mom has been 100% supportive of my orientation ever since. When people ask if I’m a lesbian, she teaches them about asexuality.
But anyway back to my journey of self-discovery
So I tell my husband, I’m asexual, I don’t want to have sex. You are not asexual, you do want to have sex. One of us is going to be miserable in this relationship, and I’m tired of it being me. I love you too much to make you miserable for the rest of your life, but I love myself too much to be miserable for the rest of my life. We might have to face the fact that we’re not right for each other.
So his immediate response is “no, I can change, I’ll do anything, divorce is not an option, etc”
But I can’t exactly ask him to stop wanting to have sex. Because that’s not how allosexual people work. And he can’t seduce me into wanting to have sex, because that’s not how asexual people work.
Anyway. He cries, I cry, we decide on marriage counseling to help our comunication.
Because we’d been married for almost 6 years by this point, and had been together for 3 years before that, and we still can’t really talk about what we want (or don’t want) in regards to sex.
So we go to counselling for 6 weeks. The first 3 sessions individually, and the last 3 together. During the together sessions, the therapist would prompt us with a question, and we’d talk to each other, being completely honest about things.
During (what turned out to be) our last session, I’d finally had enough. I’d had enough of being embarrassed about what anyone else would think. Enough of the gender roles I was being forced into. Enough of paying someone to watch me talk to my husband. Enough of pretending to salvage a relationship that I had been increasingly avoiding over the past 2 years, and I said:
“Josh, I love you. We have communication problems, but we’ve been together almost ten years and I’m willing to work through those if you think we can make it work. But I am never having sex with you again.”
(At this point, the therapist who’d been trying to get us to communicate put down her notebook and said, ok I think we’re done.)
Then and only then, did he agree to file for divorce.
—————–
I say all that to say this:
Don’t you dare fucking tell me that asexual representation doesn’t matter. I would have six years of my life back if I had known.
And if you’re in a relationship, talk to each other oh my God. About everything. What dream you had last night. That song from scout camp that randomly gets stuck in your head. The reason you don’t like sweet potato. That embarrassing thing you did in third grade that still makes you mad when you think about it. If you and your partner can share these tiny, intimate details, talking about sex is no big deal. And it takes practice, so practice.
————–
On a happy note, now, 3 years after the divorce, I am in a happy, stable relationship with another ace. And if you happen to ask my mom how I’m doing, she’ll tell you “I’ve never seen my baby girl happier.”
It gets better. But it’s up to you to make it that way.
@theonetheonlyjordanelizabeth please read this ❤️ I may be sex repulsed but I know that I love you and thats what matters ✨
I know this is already really long and really informative, but I also wanted to add a partner’s perspective. I too, have an ace fiancee. I knew about it before our relationship. I didn’t know it was a thing until I met her, and that was huge to me because I learned something new and also came to understand an old friend a little better.
I, on the other hand, am not ace. I am at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I am pansexual, and she has a hard time I think coming to terms with the fact that I don’t want to make her have sex.
Like, ‘Really?’ you might ask me. Like really is my only reply. I have loved her for a long time now, and being we met over Tumblr and we knew one another before the relationship, sex isn’t a big deal in our relationship. and I can think of at least ten of my friends who would feel the same way right now.
ASEXUALITY IS A REAL THING, LOVING, SWEET ACE RELATIONSHIPS ARE REAL! Just because your partner wants sex doesn’t make you broken. Just because you don’t want sex doesn’t mean you should have to force yourself to do so.
Just be honest with one another, love one another. If a relationship can’t survive a healthy, honest conversation, then it wasn’t a very strong relationship to begin with.
TL;DR People who can’t see past sex as a ‘core’ in a relationship with someone ace/sex repulsed is an asshole.
My heart aches for the Jewish community… This act of antisemitism is an atrocity and is indicative of the horrendous amount of hate that still resides within America. It should not be ignored and we should not be silent, especially when the country is being led by a abhorrent man who finds blaming the victim to be the appropriate thing to do. Those of us who are not Jewish have to speak up and voice our support in every way we can… Don’t let this be washed away. Don’t let this fade into nothing.
I stand in solidarity with the Jewish community in the wake of this mornings events.
if you’re “willing to listen politely” to Nazis and white nationalists so long as they’re polite to you, you openly value decorum and your personal comfort over human lives and livelihood, and not only are you stupid, you’re a horrible person
One thing to keep in mind about nazis tho is if you run into just the right kind you have run into a gang. They will try to kill you. Dad got in a fight with one once and literally had to go to a safehouse out of town so that the nazis there didnt fucking kill him.
I hear you. Youre right. But seriously guys these people are life threatening stay safe.
in my hometown i hung out with a bunch of other white kids whose parents had been in prison or who broke the law regularly…which meant that some of them had joined skinhead gangs in prison. which meant that outside of prison, they still talked about what skinhead gangs believe, they still “networked” (in a manner of speaking) with members of skinhead gangs.
so, i heard the kind of stuff these people believed about race and politics -mostly through the mouths of their kids (most of whom grew out of thinking that shit was cool or acceptable before becoming adults; the ones that didn’t grow out of it by high school i cut off long ago). it was basically the same shit you hear from online neo-nazis and crypto-fascists, whether they’re the type who just memes about it and harasses minorities and women online, or the type who fancy themselves intellectuals and put on suits and go on CNN to “politely” argue for their point of view.
if you look at these people’s forums, they say themselves that they do the latter not because they also believe in the “free exchange of ideas” that neoliberals talk about, but because they know that they can get people in the mainstream to help them spread their propaganda by pretending to. they know that they can obfuscate what they’re trying to do by diverting the conversation to “free speech”, when a reasonable person could easily point out that much of their ~personal worldview~ comes down to pseudoscience and conspiracy theories, and having them go on political talk shows to present these ideas is the political equivalent of scientists inviting flat earthers and anti-vaxxers to their debates.
and, ultimately, the same neo-nazis who try to chameleon their way into the mainstream are the same as the ones my friends grew up around. they aren’t fucking joking when they talk about using violence to act on their ideas; as soon as they get enough other nazis in their group to do so, they go and attack POC. as soon as they gain any kind of standing in the government, they’ll use the government to attack POC. Which we already know they’ve been doing by infiltrating police forces and through their populist strong man President and administration. (Those are literally just links to google searches for those topics, to prove how incredibly easy it is to find this shit out.)
When I talk about this, the most common “rebuttal” I get is people telling me I’m making it up, but it’s the truth. My statements about neo-nazis are based not just on shit I read online, but on having met some of these people in real life. Being “willing to listen politely” to Nazis and other kinds of fascists, even on an interpersonal level, is being willing to help them spread their propaganda and gain power. It is sympathizing with and enabling the rise of fascism in 2018, and it needs to be recognized for what it is.
1000% back this but quick reminder that intelligence based insults are ableist and also inaccurate in these situations – these people aren’t so lacking in intelligence that they don’t understand what they are doing, let’s remember that
L.J.'s Obsessions 