I mean what you’re describing is a huge point with Reylows, too. They talk a lot about identifying with Ren as a victim of abuse. When people point out that Finn is right there, they tend to say that they can’t identify with Finn as much because Finn is a “good” abuse victim who had the strength to get away from abuse, while to them Benny is the “bad” abuse victim who did terrible things as a reaction to his abuse but whom they still believe there is hope for.

And that’s honestly terrifying to me on several levels. Good victim/bad victim discourse was never about saying it’s okay to lash out and hurt other people because you’ve been abused yourself, and the “redemption” a lot of people are calling for seems to be basically a get out of jail free card. Yes, bad people could have been abused themselves. They still have to take responsibility for their actions. They can’t just say “I was abused!” and be showered with sympathy and lack of accountability like some of these redemption proponents seem to want. That’s just cheap grace, not true redemption.

The idea that Ren can make choice after choice not just to stay in an abusive situation but to be an abuser himself and still be saved is pretty disturbing, too. It implies that redemption isn’t a choice but rather something he should or could be given. You mentioned these fans wanting to escape the cycle of abuse, but you can’t escape something you actively chose. Nobody chooses to be abused, but every single abuser chooses to be an abuser. Ren did not chose to be abused by Snoke, but he did choose to gaslight and manipulate Rey. That’s not a choice he can escape or be saved from, that’s something he has to turn away from himsef. If TFA and TLJ made anything clear it’s that he can’t be redeemed by others, not Leia, not Rey, not Lando, not Chewie, not Finn. He has to redeem himself by going a different way, and frankly at this point I can’t imagine how it can believably happen.

By the way, I say all this as someone who did in fact lash out in reaction to abuse and hurt others. I was physically abusive to my then-boyfriend, who is now my husband, so in a way I’m living a real-life reylow case on a vastly lesser scale. My history is precisely the reason I want to see full accountability for Ben/Kylo, whatever choice he makes–because accountability tells me that I was a free agent and that I could change. I made the choice, difficult but nevertheless a choice, to face up to my demons and gain control of my emotions and reactions. That’s why I will never accept the argument that abuse or mental illness turns a person evil, because that’s an insult to so many people who chose not to perpetuate the cycle, including by managing their conditions if that was what it took. There is always a choice, and it’s incumbent on all of us to choose better.