I think what reylos fail to realise is that we don’t dislike the shippers because they ship it. We dislike shippers because they entirely misrepresent the ship itself, as well as the movies as a whole.
I, and many people that I’ve spoken to, hold all content to a pretty simple standard: It’s okay to like problematic content. It’s perfectly okay to enjoy media that contains iffy, or even outright offensive, elements – so long as you recognise that those elements exist and are an issue. Be critical of the media you consume, accept that it’s flawed, but don’t think that those problems mean you have to dislike the content.
Take the Star Wars prequels. I love the prequels, but it’s important to recognise the problems it has in terms of racist caricaturing, antisemitism, and the misogynistic way in which Padmé’s story is handled. The same goes for the original trilogy, to an extent – particularly how Jabba is a caricature of Middle Eastern sultans, and the Tusken Raiders are quite heavily islamophobic. And the sequel trilogy, particularly the antiblackness evident in the way Finn is written. These are all hugely important factors to consider when discussing the franchise, but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to enjoy the movies. That’s not to say you have to be loudly and consistently vocal about these issues – some people don’t have the time or the energy to do so, some people don’t know how to express it, some people prefer to keep their blogs (and lives) free of discourse and drama. We aren’t expecting everyone to write essay-length meta on how Star Wars is racist, we aren’t expecting the entire fandom to engage in discourse to the same degree, we just think it’s crucial to recognise that the content you enjoy isn’t squeaky clean and problem-free. When you say “I love Star Wars” we don’t expect you to tack “(even though it’s problematic!)” onto the end, but we hope that you accept that it’s problematic.
But this attitude (which is not specific to the Star Wars fandom, obviously) of viewing content in a critical and socially nuanced way is a relatively low bar that most people don’t struggle to meet. If someone told me they loved Star Wars, and I were to go, “Ah, but it’s antisemitic! Remember Watto?” chances are they’d respond with something along the lines of, “Yeah, that’s true. I know that. I still love the films though.” And that’s fine. That’s my stance! I love it despite that too! If I were to tell them that they shouldn’t enjoy their favourite film franchise because of that, they’d likely be outraged, or at least relatively annoyed, and justifiably so. As long as you acknowledge the problems, enjoy away. No one is stopping you from enjoying it or judging you for doing so. You should enjoy content whilst acknowledging its problems. Not by ignoring them, or defending them. And not by misrepresenting them.
That’s why, even if we have a problem with reylo on a fundamental level, most antis don’t automatically dislike the shippers. When we point out that reylo is abusive, we aren’t saying that shippers condone abuse. When we say that Rey’s interrogation scene is a rape parallel (Side note: to those reylos saying we shouldn’t throw the word “rape” around willy nilly and use it where we shouldn’t, we aren’t saying that scene is literally mind rape, we’re saying that the scene is very deliberately mirroring the power dynamics, behaviours, and emotions associated with sexual assault), we aren’t calling reylo shippers rape apologists. Because we know what nuance is. I haven’t seen any evidence of this myself personally, but I’m sure that plenty of reylo shippers realise that it’s abusive and are mindful of that. I’m sure plenty of reylos don’t expect – or even want – it to become canon, and quietly indulge in fan art or fanfiction or whatever the hell else whilst also accepting that it’s a problematic ship. When we point out that it’s abusive (and racist in many respects) we aren’t condemning shippers. It isn’t intended to make people feel guilty or evil for shipping it. It’s intended to raise an important issue which some people, especially shippers themselves (and particularly socially ignorant or uncritical ones), may not have considered. It’s giving reylos an opportunity to view their ship in a more nuanced and critical way, and reach their own conclusions based on that. Maybe some reylos will stop shipping it when they realise it’s abusive. Maybe some will realise that it is, and continue to ship it, whilst also bearing that element in mind and viewing the reylo content they consume in a different way. Many (and this is what I’ve seen from every reylo on this website so far) will completely disregard the abuse and the racism, pretend it’s not a problem whatsoever, continue shipping it, continue expecting it to become canon, and continue wanting to see it play out in the movies. It’s important to hold fandom ships to the same standard as any other element of the media they stem from – enjoy it all you want, but acknowledge the problems with it. Don’t ignore, defend, or misrepresent the problematic elements.
But like I said, I’ve seen fucking none of that in the fandom myself, and I’ve been heavily involved in the Star Wars Tumblr fandom since a little before TFA was announced. And that’s not to say that I’m an authority on the fandom or that I know the thoughts and feelings of every reylo. But in the three and a half years that I’ve been a Star Wars blog, all I’ve seen is people either, A: flat-out claiming that reylo isn’t abusive at all, which serves to both ignore and misrepresent the very much intentional abuse parallels that are present right there on screen (and this is especially true for those reylos who make entire posts about how that one bit of eye contact or a slight smirk mean that his abusive behaviour is actually super duper lovey dovey romance), or B: defending the abuse itself, mostly blaming it on Kylo’s “mental illnesses” and saying he himself is a “victim of abuse” and a barrage of other weak excuses, many of which are ableist. It even goes as far as blatantly misrepresenting parts of the movies which have nothing to do with reylo (like Han’s death, or Kylo’s interactions with Snoke) to suit their ship. And this includes either photoshopping Finn out of scenes he shares with Rey, or whitewashing the ever-living fuck out of him, in order to literally replace him with Kylo. That’s fucked, my dudes.
Accepting content as problematic but enjoying it nonetheless only works if you take the content as it is presented to you, without manipulating or misrepresenting it. There would be far fewer anti-reylos if reylo shippers weren’t either lying about, or deliberately misunderstanding, the films. Bear in mind, anti-reylo doesn’t mean anti-shipper. I, and many others I imagine, don’t give a fuck if you ship it so long as you see it for what it is and are mindful of its problems. We’re only anti-shipper when the shippers themselves fail to meet a very low fucking standard which most people succeed at meeting. And most or all of the shippers I’ve seen fail to meet that standard, which makes me anti-them.
Ship it if you want. If you acknowledge its problems and ship it through a socially aware and nuanced lens whilst also seeing it for what it is, and as long as you keep yourself to yourself and quietly ship it without disrupting the fandom proper and starting needless drama, I have no beef with you. But if you go to dramatic lengths to distort and defend blatant verbal and physical abuse, and racist misrepresentations of the content of the films, or if you completely disregard all the iffy elements of the ship and get angry when people level even so much as mild criticism against reylo, then you can – with all due respect – go fuck yourself.
Perhaps it’s unfair for us to expect everyone to hold content interaction to the same standard that we do. Perhaps it’s unfair to expect people to be critical and nuanced when it comes to media consumption. But given that it’s a standard held and met by almost all reputable content analysis outlets, it doesn’t seem all that unfair.