Tag: children

I don’t understand how anyone can think that children owe something to their parents. I had my child for my own selfish reasons. We were settling down in our marriage, happy and comfortable but no longer buzzed. The house was too quiet, and we wanted laughter and joy and a bit of commotion. I was on my way to getting my degree, and I thought it was time. I was approaching a fertility dropoff, and I didn’t want to miss my chance and be left wondering about the what-ifs.

I brought a helpless tiny being into this terrifying world because I wanted it. He had no say in the matter. He brings me joy every day just by existing, and yeah, for being a happy healthy goofy kid that bubbles over with laughter and odd and wonderful mannerisms. My life has been made immeasurably better because of him, even if it’s hard sometimes. I made the choice that he was worth the sacrifices, from laboring for three days before an emergency C-section to the nightly feedings to the daily care he requires. I am grateful every day that he came to me.

So how can my child owe anything to me? I had him because I wanted him, not because he wanted to be or was even capable of wanting to be born. He has given me so much more than I have given him or could ever give him, since everything I do is just my basic obligation even if I do it with joy.

He doesn’t owe me. I owe him.

I know that it doesn’t work out for everyone. My heart goes out to people who were not ready to be parents or never wanted to be, who were pressured, who had no choice. It’s why I am pro-choice, pro-contraception and pro-sex ed, why I staunchly support child-free people. My dream would be a nightmare for people who did not want it, or got too much more than they bargained for.

That doesn’t mean a child who had no choice in the matter owes their parents anything. At worst the child was a victim trapped in a bad situation along with the parent or parents. It was not their fault.

If you are told you owe this or that to your parents, please don’t believe it. Your parents made the choice to have you, or, if they unfortunately did not, you did not cause their unhappiness. You owe it to yourself to be as healthy and whole as you can be, to have integrity, to get what joy you can in the world. If that requires going against your parents’ wishes or cutting them out of your life, so be it. It’s your life to live, and your life is not a debt to be repaid.

sagasofsundry:

thecringeandwincefactory:

downhomesophisticate:

LOUDER

Residential schools, Indian schools, Stolen generations, Lost children of Francoism, Germanization, q.v.

[image description: a tweet by @jessewente that says, “colonial states separate children from parents because they know it works. it destroys and traumatizes for generations. it’s an attack on the future as well as the present. it’s not a partisan issue, it’s a colonial one.” end id]

Separation of enslaved Black families in the United States, the Catholic Church’s refusal to return Jewish children after baptizing them during WWII*

* Hiding the children with Christian families, to be fair, helped save their lives but the intent to erase the children’s Jewishness after the danger had passed is also clear–the Vatican literally said baptism “cancels the Jew,” holy shit

hitting children is never ok. i dont give a shit what the situation is.

lj-writes:

your-naked-magic-oh-dear-lord:

I respect your opinion. I just disagree about extreme cases.

There can be extreme cases, like the defense of self and others. In those cases it’s really outside the usual spanking/discipline discourse, other than the fact that kids who are spanked are likelier to have behaviorial problems and be violent.

@missisjoker Or maybe just telling him “countless times” to cut something out is a fucking useless way to get a child to behave and he could have been given better discipline, not just in that instance but over time, so that he could appropriately have his frustrations heard and addressed, and learn how to deal with these situations. Maybe he could have been carried around so he wasn’t stuck in one place, maybe he could have been distracted with more interesting activities. Hitting a kid is a lazy and terrible parenting method that is proven to exacerbate rather than help behavioral problems, and it’s ignorant and harmful to advocate violence against children.

hitting children is never ok. i dont give a shit what the situation is.

your-naked-magic-oh-dear-lord:

lj-writes:

your-naked-magic-oh-dear-lord:

I respect your opinion. I just disagree about extreme cases.

There can be extreme cases, like the defense of self and others. In those cases it’s really outside the usual spanking/discipline discourse, other than the fact that kids who are spanked are likelier to have behaviorial problems and be violent.

I don’t believe in regularly hitting your kids for regular kid behavior.

But when the kid starts showing serial killer behavior, in my personal experience, fear of corporal punishment is sometimes the only thing keeping that kid from stabbing his sister while she’s napping.

Um. Maybe at that point it’s no longer a matter of corporal punishment? What if the fear doesn’t work, even once? That’s putting a child at risk of murder on the rather terrible theory that her would-be murderer’s fear of an ass-whooping (as opposed to, idk, watching him and keeping him away from children??) is enough to protect her life.

chikabiddy:

lj-writes:

guineapig-crazed:

morbidly-tiny-alice:

prochoice-chick:

Yes spanking your child is abuse

Yes slapping your child is abuse

Yes telling your child they are fat/useless/stupid or any of that is abuse.

Don’t be abusive. Love your kids and those who trust you and are in your care.

How about unless you’re a parent, shut up.

Hmm no thanks 🙂 as a kid who was abused I have really specific opinions on this.

Don’t hit your kids, thanks

I’m a parent. Don’t hit your kids and don’t tear them down.

I have a Master’s degree in Child Development (and I’m a parent, because I guess that’s the only way to have an opinion on parenting??). Don’t hit your kids. It’s abuse. Don’t belittle them. That’s abuse. Don’t ignore them. That’s neglect. 

Care about your kids. Read a couple researched backed parenting books. Stuff your pride, and learn how to be a good parent. It’s not all about instinct.