reclaimingasia:

I’m sorry that nobody answered this sooner. 

I’m also sorry about your mom, because what she’s doing sounds extremely racist, invalidating, insensitive, and uncaring. And I can imagine how much this hurts, especially when it comes from family.

I won’t say that you can convince her, because man, I think we all have at least that one family member that’s like that, whom maybe we’ve tried to explain things to, to no avail.

I don’t know your mom or your relationship with her. I don’t know if a heartfelt letter to her or sending her readings or an open and earnest (and probably inevitably intense) sit-down talk will do it (or be possible in the first place). If you think she might be, then I do recommend trying these things, and I know neither would be easy to do. It’s not an easy conversation.

It might go something like this, “Mom, I know you love me and care about me. I know it’s a subject that makes you uncomfortable / upsets (or other word) you, but it’s real important to me that we talk about it. Some of the things you say make me feel real terrible and it’s hurting our relationship.”

Even if you never convince her that her racism is wrong, maybe you can convince her to at least stop vocalizing it. Because she loves you. That’s probably the best compromise you can hope for if she won’t listen / learn / agree with you and or/if you’re unable to not live with your family.

If she brings up racism towards white people, you can say “We can have a conversation about that at another time if it ‘s also something that upsets you, but right now we’re talking about / I would like to talk about this.”

Moreover, even if “reverse racism” / “racism to whites” existed, that doesn’t mean that it’s ok for her to do it to you, even if she thinks you’re racist to her. I wonder if she actually feels upset about Starbucks related comments, or just the perceived unfairness that “PoC can raise these issues as racist but whites can’t”. Because if that’s true, I recommend she understand the difference between everybody being treated the same and everybody being treated fairly (because these two things aren’t the same).

I hope this can help you start. Please, other comments below?

Mod W

I’m also Korean and I have an abusive, racist dad who is also Korean. His racism isn’t directed at me but at Black and brown people, and that was bad enough–I can’t imagine how much worse it would be if I were the target. Like when I was a teenager he once hit me with a stick over an argument that started with my commenting that a Black woman in hanbok was beautiful and him telling me Black people aren’t beautiful. He claimed he discplined me because I raised my voice at him, but I’m not going to dignify an act of violence and intimidation done in clear anger with even the term punishment, though I am opposed to corporeal punishment in general. And YEAH you’re gonna get some voices raised at you if you’re gonna be that ugly a racist, bitch. You’re lucky I didn’t punch you out.

Anyway.

Op’s suggestion could be worth a try if anon hasn’t tried something like it before. That said, if anon’s mom is anything like my dad it’s futile. My adolescence and early adulthood were a long series of heartfelt conversations with my dad, with my entire family trying and trying to get through to him. My brother and I called him out on his racist comments, we all told him how his controlling and overbearing behavior affected us, we tried arguing, we tried being gentle and genuine, we gave ultimatums, my mom once left home and disappeared for a day after he had been particularly nasty, she said she wanted a divorce, everything. I asked him to go to therapy, though I now doubt it would have worked. We tried everything.

None of it worked. He played victim, said we were ungrateful, said it was because of his trauma, said it was the generation gap, said we needed to change and not him. I remember how Mom and I once cried together in her car because Dad was at home.

He hasn’t changed because he doesn’t want to change. The conversation I described at the beginning took place took place over 20 years ago and just this past July I was arguing with him about Korea accepting Yemeni refugees (he’s against it. Shock). And he is still the same manipulative, controlling asshole as ever. The difference is that I have given up on him and have an independence from him that allows me not to put up with more of his shit than the bare minimum required. He calls me from time to time whining about how distant we are, blaming me for it of course, and I don’t care. He had many many chances to repair our relationship. He’s made it clear he won’t change, and I’m letting him live with that decision.

Maybe anon’s mother is not like my dad and she actually is open to change. I just want anon to know, though, that there’s nothing wrong with giving up on their mother. If she gets fragile and defensive and possibly even more abusive, then it’s best to stop engaging and end dangerous conversations as soon as possible with insincere agreements and meaningless platitudes. Avoid conflicts with this woman for as long as you can and, once you’re able to live independently of her, get the hell out of Dodge.

Abusive people are not abusive because they’re upset or traumatized or insecure. They are abusive because they CHOOSE to take out their upset, trauma, or insincerity on people they have power over, whether that is a racial minority or a family member–or both, as in the case of anon’s mom. They can choose differently and become non-abusive, and it’s also the only way. I don’t want anon or anyone to think it is possible to change an abusive person by saying the right things or finding the right leverage, or that it’s their responsibility to do so. Only they can change themselves.