To be honest.. if more children were shown from birth that they are loved, cared for, and listened no matter their gender we might not have some of the problems we have now.
Listen. That’s all well and good, but one is very able to show their children love, without giving them crutches to get to sleep. As an on-call nanny who has worked with hundreds of children over the years, the ones who have the hardest time getting to sleep are the ones whose parents have given them said crutches. It’s an absolute nightmare for the children, for the parents, and for any caregiver. The children can’t just fall asleep, they have to made to fall asleep. And if it doesn’t happen properly, then the child is very unhappy and doesn’t get enough rest. Giving your child the agency to go to sleep on their own isn’t an unkind thing. In fact, it is very kind. And that does not mean that one is unable to show them love when they need it.
At the root of it that is not really what this post is about.
I’m sure that that aspect of the post isn’t why you love it, but that is the root of the original post. The post is saying that “while people condemn the idea of children being allowed to sleep in their parents beds, it can be a beautiful thing”. It’s mentioned in the first couple of sentences.
To be honest.. if more children were shown from birth that they are loved, cared for, and listened no matter their gender we might not have some of the problems we have now.
Is it just me or does spanking seem to address precisely none of the issues proponents say it does?
“It teaches them respect!” It teaches them to defer to someone bigger and stronger than they are. I’d say that’s more fear than respect, and it’s why children whose parents rely on spanking can get completely out of hand when they’re big enough to fight back.
“They’re too young to understand when they’re told it’s wrong!” But old enough to comprehend the precise nuance and meaning of being hit, evidently.
“Nothing else worked!” When I look at stories of spanking allegedly working, it generally shows other parenting methods being used ineffectively and poorly. Obviously everything else has not been tried, at least not correctly. Maybe learn to parent better instead of using spanking as a stopgap.
“Oh they’re a difficult kid!” And hitting them makes them less difficult? It could make them more compliant, but that’s a poor replacement for helping them with their problems and a shitty parenting goal in general.
“It teaches them violence is wrong!” I… what?
There’s been dozens (if not more) psychological studies that all basically point to spanking being a bad thing.
In a behavioural modification class I took, the prof talked about it during the part on positive punishment. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t stop the behaviour in question from happening, it just teaches the subject to try to avoid being caught doing it, and it results in higher chances of negative and violent behaviour later in life.
In addition, I don’t think a lot of these studies even capture the amount of harm it does to the kids who don’t visibly act out because they don’t stand out as much. I suspect there’s a silent majority who, instead of turning violent/addicted/otherwise visibly troubled, are instead neurotic, afraid to try anything new or to open up to people because they associate being “found out” with punishment and pain.
Descriptions of violence against children below
And that’s to say nothing of the bystander effect on kids who are not spanked, or not as much, but watch a lot of it happening to others and internalize the “lesson.” I grew
up with a hell lot of spanking at both home and at school. I had my
palms struck with rulers, I had my legs switched, I watched boys and
girls be hit with mop handles by teachers, I watched them being slapped
and punched.
This parade of violence against children was terrifying and humiliating. It helped scare me into
compliance but none of it at any point helped me become a better
or more respectful person. The violence taught me that I should keep my head down and not be noticed, that I should not speak out against the abuse of others or I’d be hurt myself, that I must never admit to mistakes or ask for help because being known as less than perfect meant pain, that I could not trust authority including my own parents. It wasn’t the only thing that messed me up but the physical violence was part of a climate of coercion and authoritarianism, the shadow in which all other interactions took place. We all knew the authority over us was backed up by threats of physical force.
The damage of spanking and physical abuse–and there is no clear line between the two, it’s on a spectrum of violence–is not only supported by science, there is reason to think the science, clear as it is, actually underestimates how widespread the negative effects are. It’s not just the people who were hit and now engage in violent behavior themselves. It’s also the people who got off “easy,” like me, and the people wouldn’t hurt a fly but live in a constant fog of fear and shame. None of these is more or less worthy than another, of course, nor are the types mutually exclusive. What I’m saying is that the damage is so much more extensive than can be easily captured in a study.
The people who want to argue that spanking is “culture” and therefore good or sacred or some shit can go to hell, too. Corporeal punishmentIS part of my culture, and more and more people are realizing how damaging it is. There has been a huge public debate for years about this, from students filming teachers’ abuse to proposals for rules to ban corporeal punishment in schools and even at home. Culture is not always good, and it is not immutable. We can do better, and we must.
Is it just me or does spanking seem to address precisely none of the issues proponents say it does?
“It teaches them respect!” It teaches them to defer to someone bigger and stronger than they are. I’d say that’s more fear than respect, and it’s why children whose parents rely on spanking can get completely out of hand when they’re big enough to fight back.
“They’re too young to understand when they’re told it’s wrong!” But old enough to comprehend the precise nuance and meaning of being hit, evidently.
“Nothing else worked!” When I look at stories of spanking allegedly working, it generally shows other parenting methods being used ineffectively and poorly. Obviously everything else has not been tried, at least not correctly. Maybe learn to parent better instead of using spanking as a stopgap.
“Oh they’re a difficult kid!” And hitting them makes them less difficult? It could make them more compliant, but that’s a poor replacement for helping them with their problems and a shitty parenting goal in general.
“Full stop have no idea how people in this day and age think spanking children is a good thing. It’s literally modeling violent behavior to kids.”
My follower with the creepy url is totally right! The idea that being violent to kids makes them less violent, less troubled, and more respectful falls apart on close scrutiny and, like, any brush with science.
Is it just me or does spanking seem to address precisely none of the issues proponents say it does?
“It teaches them respect!” It teaches them to defer to someone bigger and stronger than they are. I’d say that’s more fear than respect, and it’s why children whose parents rely on spanking can get completely out of hand when they’re big enough to fight back.
“They’re too young to understand when they’re told it’s wrong!” But old enough to comprehend the precise nuance and meaning of being hit, evidently.
“Nothing else worked!” When I look at stories of spanking allegedly working, it generally shows other parenting methods being used ineffectively and poorly. Obviously everything else has not been tried, at least not correctly. Maybe learn to parent better instead of using spanking as a stopgap.
“Oh they’re a difficult kid!” And hitting them makes them less difficult? It could make them more compliant, but that’s a poor replacement for helping them with their problems and a shitty parenting goal in general.
I read a children’s book to my toddler and he kept poking the page trying to make the pictures move what have we done
^^ Ditto. Every screen that isn’t a touch screen is a disappointment and source of confusion for my LO.
Oh yeah, he touches old fashioned computer monitors and television screens too, hoping to get an interaction. Maybe touchscreen technology is just intuitively more appealing or something? Maybe technology will evolve to reflect that as this generation grows up.
The look of abject disappointment on a toddler’s face when they find out the screen isn’t touch-responsive is honestly in the top 10 of heartbreaking sites.
L.J.'s Obsessions 